Today was a day I forced myself to get out the door and shoot'. As it is the forth anniversary of my Mother's death, today I wanted a reason to purposefully see life around me, to find the small beauty hidden in plain view and to open my heart to peace and joy. As I likely will be remembering her alone, I wanted to make today personally special.
But with such a goal...inspiration is a tricky thing. In thinking back, sometimes it has been put upon me as a professional to create something interesting...inspired...to meet a deadline or publication when it might not have naturally come to me and other times it has been as I have literally sat up and saw the world in a new way (the image from Autumn Branches-Sept. 5, 2009 was one of these, for I was reading a book in bed at that moment and saw the tree out my window a fresh way after looking past it for 20 years). Still other times, it is the circumstances or opportunity that has opened my vision in a certain way (such as The Least of These - Nov 17, 2009 or Tribal Experience - Sept. 21, 2009), yet it is always a hard task when I 'try' and make it happen.
With my current physical limitations to not being able to travel beyond my own two feet, I set out with some short steps to find as many wild grown flowers that have sprouted up around me as possible within a short walking distance....my own neighborhood. In it, I thought to photograph them and then bring home a tiny bouquet for our dinner table. I was pleasantly surprised to see as many as I did, but my heart was just not behind the lens, even after I found this really cool mushroom, enjoying life hanging on a tree. The images are what they are and you can be the judge. A couple I like, particularly the top one of my dogwood...some not... but for me, it was a forced experience, which is never a good thing. When I arrived home, these images are all I had, as I inadvertently forgotten the flowers at our post box while collecting the mail, where they became faded and were tossed.
Even though this is probably my largest post to date, image wise, (it was a head count of flowers, remember?) these images, which certainly are not my finest, are the result of trying to make something special and meaningful out of 'thin air'. Often times in life, when we find ourselves empty, we try to somehow 'recapture' past experiences...bring them to life, or try and force new ones as something to grab hold of... as if we are chasing shadows, but unless it comes deep from within the heart in a natural flow, it is useless. In trying to remember my Mom and the inspiration she had on me and this day trying myself to 'recreate' the many times, others have inspired me similarly, I am so very sad to say, I didn't.
Inspiration, how ever it arrives, passed me by today, as it has with increasing frequency more and more these days, so I guess my biggest lesson today, is to just try and find some sort of rest on the memories of times when it was here, if that is possible. Within that, today I just want to remember her... reflect and cherish thoughts of the kindness, warmth and love that she wore like a beautiful scarf around her neck...as a quiet refuge in her smile.
Below, a favorite poem... a gift from another... that I now like to remember her by.
Do not stand at my grave and weep- I am not there. I do not sleep.
- I am a thousand winds that blow.
- I am the diamond glints on the snow.
- I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
- I am the gentle autumn rain.
- When you awaken in the morning’s hush
- I am the swift uplifting rush
- Of quiet birds in circled flight.
- I am the soft stars that shine at night.
- Do not stand at my grave and cry;
- I am not there. I did not die.
- Mary Frye 1932
