A quote shared with me decades ago as I paid a last visit to a former neighbor, who was soon to die from cancer. It was a sad visit, as we both knew it was our last, one where he had invited me to his home in an effort to convince me to take his beloved car... a 1957 Plymouth 4 door sedan as a gift. Having had two cars already in my driveway at the time, I had no need nor space for this car that I had long admired along with the loving care that he had put into it since her purchased it new. For the first ten years of my life we were next door neighbors and I played with his children and shared many meals around their table, but what I remember mostly about him was his dry sense of humor and the way he would faithfully wash and wax that car seemingly every week, even though he took a bus to work, it was garage kept and he only drove it 3 miles to church on Sunday. It broke both of our hearts I think that I had to turn him down, but in the end was a delight for his long standing mechanic, who took it eagerly off of his hands into his own collection. I remember our conversation and it has always stuck with me the above quote that he gave to me. It is true... regardless of myself, circumstances, dreams or fears, the tides in time relentlessly march on.
As you might discern from the re-posted entry below that I had originally placed here on 5/24/2010, today it has been five years since my mother left this earth, a painful reminder of the passage of time. So many things have transpired since then, some wonderful which I would have loved to share with her... many I am glad she was not here to witness. In truth, I wouldn't want her to see me the way I am now. There are many things since her passing that I have lost that are so meaningful to me...life changing things, people and places that are now also gone from me, some by mistake, some intentionally taken away and some pulled away under their own power... but still somehow leaving me. I miss all of them dearly and I live daily in that some have left a familiar, unfulfillable hole as described below, one that I felt that day. So, today, I reaffirm the title and words that I shared long ago fresh anew. I wish I could just turn back the clock.
The image above I took recently with my phone off of my balcony of a full blooming Magnolia tree next door. A tree similar to one that still stands in the front yard of my childhood home 40 years later. It was the only one my Mom allowed us to climb when I was young... that is... until we broke a major branch and then were moved the the riskier, but more sturdy Apple tree in the back. In another post to come, I think I might have included it in a photo of that house, while I stopped to take a peek when in that area with Hayden.
May 24th, 2010
Today, it has been one week and a handful of hours since my mom, Joan Knott suddenly passed away. After a vibrant active life, she is just gone, along with her warm smile, encouraging words (she always left comments for me here...anonymously....but I could tell it was her) and loving care for my growing family and I.
I knew after it happened that honoring her life somehow would be my next post, but I really struggled with an image and what to say. I didn't want to use a photo I already had, (although she had her favorites of mine) and knew I had to create something new, but had no clue as to what. Then I thought about just posting a photo of her, but realized that after more than a quarter century of making photographs, I had never taken a personal 'portrait' of her. I guess it never occurred to me to do so as I never thought she wouldn't be here. Now it is too late..... lesson learned.
The image today is one I made yesterday from her funeral flowers. She liked yellow and the unique, bending form of the Calla Lily was attractive to me, so I set up a small arrangement out by our pond and you see the results.
I wanted this post to reflect on her life, but now realize that anything I could possibly say here is woefully in-sufficient to begin to adequately describe the person she was to many and what she meant to me. In spite of the evidence before me, I cannot in my mind really believe that the edges of her life have now been set. The heavy hole that at times takes over my chest now is all the description I need and for some moments it is as if a deep well of tears has sprung from within me, robbing me of my thoughts for a time.
This second small photo that I have included is one that a friend of hers took while they were in a bush plane flying over Mt.McKinley in Alaska. If an image can contain a thousand words as it is said, then this loudly witnesses to her adventurous spirit and the sense of joy she had in living every day complete.
In short, she was a wonderful, cherished and inspirational human being who was greatly admired. Many have testified over this past week to our family what a huge impact she had on their lives. In spite of this tremendous loss I am thankfully left with a lifetime of memories and a wonderful family to comfort me and I know the sadness will someday turn to joy in seeing her again, but as of today, I really, really miss her and just want to turn back the clock.
