Loneliness... 40° 14' 11.7168" -75° 35' 37.8384"
Coordinates of an old mill...a tiny spec on a world map, fashioned from imaginzary lines. As you can see from the autumn image above taken from my bedroom, as a physical space, it is no more or less lonely than anywhere else on earth I suppose, but for a heart that lives daily choked in grief, separation and loneliness it is a place like none other. A quieted soul, static, amid steel wheels riding steel rails and rocks are reduced to pebbles, where unseen atoms are unleashed into great power. In the midst of this noise that breaks the air from man working this earth, sits the silence of a heart torn, one that remains beating for regrets and worries and sorrows...knowing there is no one who truly cares for or about it, except those that were born from it and Him who created it. In this isolation, there is no honest hug found when coming in the door to bring a smile and peace...no love waiting to take hold of in a warm hand, no care to grow in, enjoy and rest in...all things I want to wantonly give back in honest, sincere, deep relationship. The abscence of certain things... the sounds of children playing, the softness of the meadow in the sun, time spent in fun with friends, kind smiles and bright, cheerful hellos... speaks volumes to where I am and to whom I must have become...what people now believe of me. I am told from people who say they know God's will that it is what I deserve and where I must belong.
Coordinates of an old mill...a tiny spec on a world map, fashioned from imaginzary lines. As you can see from the autumn image above taken from my bedroom, as a physical space, it is no more or less lonely than anywhere else on earth I suppose, but for a heart that lives daily choked in grief, separation and loneliness it is a place like none other. A quieted soul, static, amid steel wheels riding steel rails and rocks are reduced to pebbles, where unseen atoms are unleashed into great power. In the midst of this noise that breaks the air from man working this earth, sits the silence of a heart torn, one that remains beating for regrets and worries and sorrows...knowing there is no one who truly cares for or about it, except those that were born from it and Him who created it. In this isolation, there is no honest hug found when coming in the door to bring a smile and peace...no love waiting to take hold of in a warm hand, no care to grow in, enjoy and rest in...all things I want to wantonly give back in honest, sincere, deep relationship. The abscence of certain things... the sounds of children playing, the softness of the meadow in the sun, time spent in fun with friends, kind smiles and bright, cheerful hellos... speaks volumes to where I am and to whom I must have become...what people now believe of me. I am told from people who say they know God's will that it is what I deserve and where I must belong.
Within this world, it would seem a lovely place, one with a quietly stream meandering down into a powerful river, the deep beauty of the wood to behold, but with out the joy of heart only found in fellowship and love, it is still only a place to just be...not to truly live. A place to take in air, be sustained, but not truly breathe...for a heart to somehow still remain beating, but not to bring life. I think next to feeling rejection, loneliness is the worst emotion of life.
I wish for a place, it doesn't matter where, where once again I would be seen for my heart, for it to be found and opened in love... for it now feels dismissed, discounted and pushed aside by those who had laid claim to such emotions for me. I wish for life again, I wish that smiles and music would fill my heart with peace and my soul would blossom with singing...expression to be given away. I wish my heart would rise out of these good things, to be found a blessing and inspiration, to be wanted and cherished, rather than silently fall...beating, alone. A world of vast importance to me has purposefully lost me here and as pretty as it can be to see the sun glide over the river, silent as the passing water, perhaps my soul has always left me expecting more from the sunrise, that this earth would be more alive as only when seen with another's eyes in mine. There seems to be so much wanting inside, so many good things stored away...silent, waiting and asking to be heard in another, allowing it to fill their being too. I yearn for it...long for such a day and wait for such a place that I know is possible, but seems not so, for I cannot find it now in the winds that surround me.
"I do not wish to be found empty and alone when I find one foot standing at the grave, but ask that I may make this leap with a heart full of love spent, given and then filled from another to carry me peacefully there."
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